The Alia Story: Portrait of a Ferret Addiction

In elden days, before the days of the wondrous witches, before the days of the magnificient mages, yea verily, e'en before the days of the coming of the fearsome Portal of Life, the Cleric known as Icefalcon, who surely was yet a fledgling, grew restless for new adventures, and sought new powers.

Thusly did he leave the Clerics Guild, and yea, he wandered, a lost soul, throughout the whole of the Three Kingdoms, seeking ever greater power and enlightenment. And thusly did he come, one day, to stand in awe before a great statue of a creature encased in iron, a creature of such power and awe whose slightest glance would harrow out mens' souls. So then did young Icefalcon stand before the Juggernauts Guild, and think to himself, "Cool! How rad!".

After endless days of toil, and having fought many battles hard won, and having learned the power of the Jugger's greatest weapon, Ye Holy Combat Scroll, and having verily had the snot kicked out of him, and thusly having grown bored in the extreme with standing eternally in combat and having nothing much to do, young Icefalcon set off once again in search of high adventure and power.

After many days of aimless wandering, the young fledgling did find himself surrounded by a great beam of light from the heavens, and stepping into it in wonder, discovered the dark mystery and sweet pain of the Necromancers Guild. Thusly did be begin to train most avidly on the many many many many many ungodly many skills and techniques a Necro must master to come into full power, and thusly rocketh. So then did the days pass, and the combat was never boring, but only the endless time spent regenning between rounds still chappethed his hide and thusly did he find it wearying and seek diversion. So it was that the seed of the Great Addiction was sown, in the ripe field of boredom and wimpyness and general sucking.

For one fateful evening, while seeking a diversion from the extreme depths of suckdom, did young Icefalcon prattle aimlessly, as is his wont, upon the guild line, thusly either amusing or annoying his fellows, and generally letting his tongue run amok, which in this strange land is oftentimes called "flapping". So then did the conversation turn abruptly to victuals, which in the deep south are called victuals, to avoid confusion, and in the parade of gourmet feasts which did commence to parade across the countless glowing screens, were found Godiva chocolate-covered Gerbils (gourmet). And thusly did young Icefalcon begin to experiment, using different fillings, such as cherry, and coconut, and various chocolates. And behold, did Gebrils become a favorite, and there were gerbil souffle's, gerbil pate', cream of gerbil soup, and Peking Orange Gerbil With Black Mushrooms and Bamboo Shoots.

Now yea verily there was a lady of Icefalcon's acquaintance, who has gone by many names, but is now known to all as Alia, and was also reputed to engage in such activities as are commonly called "flapping". Thusly did she say unto young Icefalcon one day, as he did flappeth upon the whole of the mud: "Yo icey, there's MUCH better things to do with Gerbils than eat 'em!"

And so began the fall of poor Icefalcon into such practices of sin and debauchery, that surely did Gomorrah seem to be Valhalla itself, and so also did Hell seem to fill with angels and glow with purity, and so also did a dark and dangerous police patrol route seem like a Dunkin Donuts Shop. What abominations young Icefalcon did learn to commit with the innocent gerbils at the hands of Alia, cannot be written on these pages, lest the very parchment upon which these words are scribed should burst into flames. However, for only $39.95 plus shipping and handling, I'll send you your very own pair of gerbils, complete with harness, a variety of accessories, and full gerbiling instructions. Please allow 6-8 weeks for delivery. Do not send cash. VISA, Mastercard, and Discover all accepted. No refunds.

So then was Icefalcon seduced into the mastery of gerbils by Alia, who taught him many things, and the time was short until Icefalcon too was a gerbil addict as Alia had been. It was near this time that Icefalcon, thusly bored with standing about aimlessly waiting for his spell points to regen, and yea verily tired beyond words of sucking, did come at last to the home he had cast aside, the realization of his error in leaving the Clerics Guild piercing even through the haze of his overindulgence in his vulgar rodent habits. Icefalcon joined his brethren once more, swearing never again to sunder the bonds of Clericdom.

It was about this time that Icefalcon, now older and wiser, and growing ever more exhausted by his nightly rituals with Alia, and being financially drained by the cost of constantly replacing the gerbils that met with mishap, or were misplaced in a most unfortunate manner, Icefalcon began to drift away from Alia and her addiction. So did he finally break free of his own addiction. However, Alia, still swathed in darkness and shadow, fell deeper into the Hole of Sin, and, finding gerbils no longer fullfilling, did one day slip into an even more sinister addiction: ferrets. Thusly did she come to Icefalcon and try to seduce him back to her side, saying, "Hey, wow, check this out Icey! Ferrets are MUCH more contoured! And the tail keeps you from losin' 'em! OOooooooh, this rocks!"

But Icefalcon would not be turned, and forsake Alia, refusing at last to support her expensive new habit, for though the ferrets were never fatally lost as the gerbils had been, Alia was careless, and did not make careful use of the creatures, and thusly fell asleep on the bed, and so they did suffocate. Such cruelty Icefalcon could not suffer, and so did he turn his back upon wretched Alia, and say thusly, "Buy your own damned ferrets, I'm broke!"

So endeth the Great Saga of Icefalcon, Alia, and gerbils. Icefalcon has since flourished, prospered, and in general kicked ass, becoming a model cleric, attaining Avatarhood, and seeking ever the path of High Mortaldom. Always is he happy with his guild, saying verily, "Clerics rock!", and "Everybody either is a Cleric or wants to be a Cleric!", and "1.2 MILLION to glevel?? This is totally farked! Are the wizards completely insane or WHAT?? I HATE this guild!" Alia still struggles mightily with her devastating addiction, though to her credit, she has been known in modern days to attend Gerbilers and Ferreters Anonymous (GAFA), and is thought to be making progress.

--Scribed by mine own hand, Icefalcon, known to some as Gerbilmeister, Iceflap, and Birdbrain.

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Inscribed by: Icefalcon -- October 2, 1995